After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
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I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
If snakes were wide
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Damn what did I do next
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Ah..makes sense now
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect