Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
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toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Oops
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.