I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
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On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
i spent way too long on this
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
They’re on their honeymoon
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.