The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
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Me sliding into hell like
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.