for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
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[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival