Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
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Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers