LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
You Might Also Like
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab