i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
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I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
The happy life.. 😊
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Going into Monday like
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?