The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
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Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
[being buried alive] you missed a spot