I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
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Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.