I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
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When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.