Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
You Might Also Like
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?