[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
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My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space