Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
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6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
new career option?
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler