Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
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[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters