{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
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*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.