sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
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> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.