My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
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Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
When ur friends with white people
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*