My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
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Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I only say stupid things when I talk.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Body by cheese-puffs.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex