At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
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for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*