Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
You Might Also Like
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
The days of good grammer has went
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse