[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
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This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”