When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
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First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
🤣
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly