Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
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The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.