You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
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As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
See..?
.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Never let them know your next move 😂