how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
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I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad