Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
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This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.