[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
i made a craigslist ad !
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.