KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
You Might Also Like
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Saw online –
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out