“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
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*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
some things should go without saying
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
They must have gotten it to go.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM