[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
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i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
oh you wanna fight?!
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.