After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
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[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Jail
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
pelicons
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.