The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
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[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Overindulged this afternoon.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL