*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
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why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
That’s classic.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.