My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
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mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Banana is the quietest snack
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night