I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
You Might Also Like
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Fight
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Never be a pizza!
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.