My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
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I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!