Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
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me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS