Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
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My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
💻🤡
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
How long do you have to wait between naps?
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.