When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
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Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.