Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
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What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?