When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
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I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs