all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
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127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
he chose this
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*