Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
You Might Also Like
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Saturday
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.