When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
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[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
this is 10/10 content no notes
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?