Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
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[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
If snakes were wide