[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
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So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom