ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
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Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better