The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
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People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
File under excellent bookstore names.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I’m literally crying
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now