*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
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Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Friends that check up on you >
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.